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April 2013

When Only You Will Do

Last article we looked at some best practices for family dynamics and planning for care of aging parents.   And typically what can happen during that planning process is the parent declines outside help in favour of your help!  Declining assistance outside of the family might come in a few different ‘packages’:

• “Your mother and I are doing just fine on our own”
• “Your father and I don’t want strangers coming in to our home”
• “We have you around… Aren’t you able to help us?”   (Ouch!  Pulling at the guilt strings!)
• “Maybe with you and a few of our neighbours and friends we can manage just fine.”
• “It costs too much.”

The question we need to ask ourselves as caring, adult children is: “Is doing it myself sustainable on me and my family for the medium to long term?”  Care can ramp up quite quickly.   Here are a few suggestions for the conversation:

#1 Seek the advice of a trusted professional.   A Physician’s recommendation can be your best ally in getting your parents to accept help. Alternatively, we often find that by just bringing in Nurse Next Door for a free consultation and having an outside expert opinion can go a long way.

#2 Hire a caregiver to manage some household chores and NOT actual “hands-on care” or personal assistance.   Often times this is seen as less threatening to a loved one’s independence and will serve as a means to allow a face to face meeting, which makes a HUGE difference.  Place the emphasis on getting help handling the “chores” such as vacuuming, laundry, grocery shopping and even meal preparation.

#3 If both parents are at home, direct your attention to the less needy one.   For instance, suggest he/she would be the one to benefit from outside help even when they both might.

#4 Focus on YOU as the caregiver needing the help and NOT them needing assistance. “I’m not sleeping; I can’t eat and can’t think at work because I am worried about you.  This would be helping ME a great deal.”

#5 Give them a potential out. “Let’s try this for two months. If you still don’t like having someone help you with the chores, then we can consider other options.”

#6 Discuss money. The current generation of seniors grew up through World War II and the Great Depression.  Money is always on their mind.  Let them know there are lots of options (that house that they have been living in for 50 years is now worth a lot of money!).   Perhaps they have plenty of savings.  Or consider sharing with them that spending money on their happiness and keeping them in their own home is worth far more to you than a few extra dollars of inheritance.

#7 And if all else fails… Hire a “friend” to help your parent. For example, schedule a rendezvous at their favorite restaurant, have lunch… Invite the caregiver along.   Again, meeting someone takes away much of the worry and ‘unknowns’.

Hopefully that helps avoid stretching you too thin.   Helping an aging parent is a wonderfully fulfilling job.   It’s the burnout when things are too crazy that is not only miserable, but jeopardizing to our own health.

If you have any questions, just call.

Chris Wilkinson, B.Sc. KIN is the Owner / Director for Nurse Next Door Home Care Services franchise serving Cowichan, Nanaimo, Parksville and surrounding communities.   Nurse Next Door provides award winning in-home care and support for seniors.  Call Chris for more information at 250.748.4357 or visit NurseNextDoor.com