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September 2013

Loss and Grieving

Three of our longer term clients passed away recently.   They were wonderful people and will always be in our memory and a special part of our company’s history.   They also made me think of the loss and grieving process in more depth.

Grieving has five stages.  Although everyone who goes through bereavement will experience all stages, the amount of time spent in each stage, as well as the order in which each stage is experienced, will differ by individual.

The five stages are:

1. Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a loved one is to deny reality. This is normal.   For our mind to deal with such overwhelm, denial helps cushion the shock.  This stage is temporary.

2. Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain start to sink in.   To deal with the intense emotion, the emotional energy is expressed as anger. The anger may get directed in different directions.  Trying to understand where the anger is coming from is helpful.

3. Bargaining

Following feelings of helplessness and vulnerability, we feel a need to regain control.   Therefore, some thoughts such as the following may surface:

• If only I had sought medical attention sooner…
• If only I got a second opinion from another doctor…
• If only I had tried to be a better person toward them…

Once you’ve looked at the fact that your difficult reality is not going to change, you can make a decision to stop trying to get it to change.   Repetition is how we learn new patterns. Keep repeating the healthier thoughts that you’ve implemented to substitute for bargaining. As you do this, you may find that sorrow and anger arise again. But this will help you deal with the emotions and get you closer to ‘acceptance’.

4. Depression

Depression is associated with mourning.    Perhaps we believe in this time that we have spent less time with others that depend on us.  A second type of depression is more subtle. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to say a final farewell to a loved one.

5. Acceptance

Unfortunately, this is not a stage everyone reaches.   The passing of a loved one may be sudden and unexpected, or we may never see beyond our anger and denial.

Two thoughts to help assist you through the grieving process and reach the acceptance stage.   First, open up to others you trust.  When we grieve, often times we isolate ourselves from the rest of our friends and family.  However it is really important to talk about our feelings.  Be sure to find someone you trust to talk to during these difficult times.  Second, get back to your activities.  It is very easy to stay home, away from family, friends and fun after the loss of a loved one. However, it is important to go back to your regular activities that you enjoy.

Reaching acceptance comes with a deepening inner peace – and the realization that loss and grieving are part of the natural emotional experience.

Others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you.  Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.   As an example, it may take anywhere from two weeks to two years to effectively move through the stages.

Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor a single perfect way to do it.

Implementing the tips above can definitely help in the grieving process. If you really are struggling well after the death, it may be a good idea to seek professional help from a grief counselor.

Chris Wilkinson, B.Sc. KIN is the Owner / GM for Nurse Next Door Home Care Services franchise serving Cowichan, Nanaimo, Parksville and surrounding communities.   Nurse Next Door provides award winning in-home care and support for seniors.  For more info call 250.667.0190, or email Chris@NurseNextDoorNanaimo.com