A Matter of Perspective

You see I think we have this dementia thing all wrong.  After all, who says we, the so-called cognitively sound, have it right?  Isn’t that a matter of perspective?  Ask any police officer interviewing witnesses to a crime.  They will tell you that the details will vary from witness to witness even though they were party to the same sequence of events.  What they see will be based on their perspective.  So what if we, as those who care for persons with dementia, were to shift our perspective?  If we were to try seeing the world through the eyes of someone deeply forgetful maybe we would put value on different things.

It’s a radical idea!  What if we stopped judging those with dementia buy our standards?  What if we stopped clinging to the past, what’s been lost, by us, by them and embraced the present?  What if we focused on what those with Alzheimer’s or related dementia can still do rather than on what they can’t?  What if instead of trying to argue or cajole of correct them into comprehending our reality we embraced their reality?  What would that do to our quality of life as caregivers, as families?  What would it do to theirs?

Dementia can be a great teacher if we allow it.  It can help us reconnect to what’s truly meaningful in life like the heart, emotion – love, connection, laughter, the purity of experience.  Isn’t it time we slowed down?  Learned to truly take in the moment, connect through our heart, our feelings.  Buddhists call this mindfulness.  We need to learn to stop filling a space, a silence with the minutia of the trivial.  Yes, you’re busy.  Yes, you need to get things done.  We all do.  But how important are those things?  Ask yourself.  In five years how important or necessary will it be that I did this thing I’m currently so concerned about?  Or in five years or ten when the person I love with dementia is gone will I regret I didn’t take more time to be with them?   Just be with them – in the moment, their moment.  Sure it may not be rooted in the present.  Their mind may have taken them back years into the memories that still remain more real, more intact to them.  Is that a crime?  If no harm is being done what does it matter if they’ve forgotten what day it is or who you are?  If you make them feel happy, comfortable and safe then you are a friend and what is more important than spending time with a friend?

So, I challenge you.  Lay down your roles whatever they may be – daughter, wife, husband, son…  Be the friend.  The one that makes them feel comfortable, secure, loved.  Share a laugh, swap stories, go for a walk, have a cup of tea/coffee.  Hold out your hand and guide the way.  You may find that the relationship you thought you lost is really not so far away.  It’s just a matter of perspective.

Marjorie Moulton, Executive Director We Rage We Weep Alzheimer Foundation  and Dementia Care Consultant
drmmoulton@werageweweep.com
https://www.dementiaconsulting.ca